Advantages of being afraid

Photo from “cathartic 27”

If I would ask you what’s your biggest fear, what would it be the first thing that comes to your mind? The dark? Spiders? Needles? Heights, drowning, flying? Let your mind wander a bit more. Maybe a relationship? Losing a job? Rejection? Failure? The future? 

How much do these fears affect your choices?

My biggest fear is that something or someone can stop me from doing what I want.

It was January 2015; after a couple of troubled years, I decided to do something different, something for myself. I sat on my chair in my yellow walls little room, when I googled all the possible workaway options for the summer - I was so ready to be free and enjoy life!

Really motivated, I typed my cover letter and I sent 7-8 applications. Two days later, it was done: from the 18th of August I would have spent 3 weeks in Bolzano in a farmhouse, in the middle of nowhere, in the mountains. Tasks required: pick up herbs and flowers. Under the sun - that means tan assured! Shared bedroom - that means new friends! And food included. I tell you: I was already there!


Then February, March, April, May, June. Oh, I was so looking forward to this!

July, aaalmost time to get ready - But I found a lump. On my breast. Could it be a mosquito bite? The doctors really wanted to check this, but they didn’t know what it was and they were annoying me. I took a trip to the hospital every week for ultrasounds just to hear them saying “try hot showers and arnica!”.

31st of July 2015: I went to a different hospital for the 5th check - believe me, I was so bored! All of this for a mosquito bite?! I hoped this was the last day I had to lose my time with all these boring checks. They did another ultrasound. Then they did a biopsy straight away. They assured me it was just routine to stay for the day.
I assumed that by the end of that Thursday afternoon, I would have walked out of the hospital relieved that all was good. I got a green apple and I waited until 4pm. I waited alone, in this hall full of only old people - no offense!

And finally… My turn! They called me in this little room, typical bad hospital smell.
“Are you here alone?” the doctor said.
“Yes. Whyyyy?!”
“We have found… cancer.”
“Bullshit!” I thought. But I’m a nice gal, so I replied “Well, can we remove it?”.

Life can be funny! I mean, months of waiting for my dream holiday, and then you get the big rucksack delivered from Amazon and two days later they tell you you have cancer.

My biggest fear at that moment was that something or someone could stop me from doing what I wanted. 
All the checks needed started the following morning.
My chemo treatment started seven days later.
Of course, I had to cancel my holiday.

What to do at this point? Three days after the first chemotherapy, I realised I had 18 days before my next lot of chemo. Just enough time to squeeze in a trip! Again, I sat down in my yellow walls little room and googled: “cheap trains to”. I tried every combination to find a good last minute ticket. I mean, everyone deserves a holiday! I ended up booking a return ticket to Florence and I remember being so excited, I went to the kitchen and I told my mum “Hey, I’m going to Florence for a couple of days!” and she was so confused. “You just had chemo, will it be alright? Where are you staying?” And I was like “I don’t know, I will figure it out!”.

As I said these words - “I will figure it out” - I realised that’s been a turning point.
When you make a decision, everything else follows.
No matter what. I decided cancer could not stop me. No. Way.

I created in my mind this “fear priorities list”.
On one hand, the fear of going to Florence without a place to sleep, alone and without even knowing how my body could react after the first chemo of my life.
On the other hand, the fear of dying.
I think I can deal with couple of days of irresponsible traveling!

Now, coming back to your first thoughts - Think about how do you respond to your fears? 
No matter how scared you are. Trust me, there is always something you can do to overcome your fears. Take action. Read, research, exercise, practice mindfulness or meditation. These will lead you to resilience. Do something you have control over. Think strategically - short term strategies.

I am not sure what your biggest fear is or will be. No one knows what the future is going to hold.
But please, if you don’t like your job, quit! If you are not happy in your relationship, break up! If you are too stressed for your house or your flatmates, leave!
Do it in your own way, but do it. There will always be another job, another relationship, another house.

Sometimes things don’t go as we planned, and that’s ok to start over. It’s not ok to stay in a limbo of indecision, hesitancy, doubt - just because of FEAR.

And I’m going to leave you with a quote:
“Fear is only the enemy if you let it keep you from moving forward. Put fear on your side and let it motivate you. This is the definition of an alchemist. To turn base metal into gold. Fear into Motivation.” (Matthew Donnelly)

// Script from a Toastmaster speech - Special thanks to Kim for her precious help!